One Week Later

"...So. This is it."

"It's huge...."

"How the bloody hell did something this big exist right under our noses?!"

"'The greatest secrets are the ones left untold', or so the analogy goes. Didn't expect it to be this large, though..."

"Ano... could we please stop staring at it? I don't know about nee-san, but I'm embarrased..."

The five of them--the 4 Guardians and the Maiden--stood at the base of a rather large island, triple volcanos brimming with red in the distance. Past the rocky shoreline was some underbrush, but the remaining terrain looked peculiar; about one-third of it was rainforest, another third plains and rocky terrain, and the middle third a small forest with small patches of underbrush. At the center of each third was a volcano, the firey mountians constantly smoking, brimming with heat energy. Somehow, Daisetsu knew that none of the volcanoes would erupt anytime soon, despite the obvious warning signs. He left the others and his sister to admire the landscape, and returned to the large boat where all the former candidates and the newly incarnated god, Testament waited.

"Welcome, all of you, to the true homeland of my people." He closed his eyes and smiled wryly. "Several years ago, we An'ven used to live in peace with humanity--in fact, we of the Flame were the closest to them, and we lived alongside them in Naclos. However, when a great political revolution overtook the human government and backfired, Naclos was left in anarchy. Eventually, the people turned to the clergy of a false religion that had been established in the country for years, but generally ignored before recently. The leader of that clergy blamed An'ven for the catastrophe that had beset the nation--after all, we do have destructive powers--, and the people believed him. We became the scapegoats, and we were driven from Naclos. The An'ven of the Wind, the Earth, and the Wave all moved to respective corners of the world to establish their own nations. If you looked at a map, you would see that Naclos itself is roughly based as the center(lying on both the equator and prime meridian), and Soujo'en, Mithrik'en, and Kaintor'en are at the east, west, and southern corners of the planet with regards to Naclos itself. The other side of the world where Naclos could have been is Kyoun'en, but we were supposed to have headed here, to this island--Aise'an. Roughly translated from the old language, it means 'Island of time', because the weather of three different times in the world take place on sections of the island. This was our prophecised place, but since the only route to lay through a mountain range which Naclos barred off right after our exodus, only a handful of An'ven made it here."

He walked back up the rocky shore. "I know it's not much of a place to hold a celebration compared to the others, but I thought I'd let you see it before my people do. This place is vast and holds many secrets... and it does have a few rural villages if you wish to find the people who did make it here. You're seeing the future homeland of the Flame An'ven... but it's too bad that you cannot stay much longer after this, so you could see what's going to happen here in the next few years." He laughed. "But, I'm sure that by now you've grown sick of this forced excursion, right?"

He gestured. "In one day, the energy flow that gave you the strength needed to ascend to goodhood will stabilize, and you will be sent back to your home worlds simultaneously. This is going to happen earlier than I originally anticipated, but I had no real idea of how much you would grow... Oh, and what strength you attained here will remain with you when you are sent back." He nodded. "You'll also be sent back approximately a day after you were taken, even though a week has passed here. The only person who this does not apply to is Testament; he can resist the forces put upon him to return to his time with ease."

--However, if you yield to them in that instant, and not in any other... you will lose your godhood and become as you were prior to fighting the Void before you return. In any other case, you will remain a god.-- This was sent to the dark Gear by Suzaku himself, and not anywhere from Daisetsu.

"Well... you've not much time left. The three towns in this city are likely celebrating right now, so you might want to join in if you've the inclination." He nodded, and waved to them as he moved back up to rejoin the others.

One week changed everything... my belief wasn't misplaced. Here, Anko and I can stay without fear of being manipulated or controlled. We'll both be free of that side of nature forever... or so I hope.

Despite his conflicting emotions, Daisetsu's expression did not change from his honest smile as he walked up past the shoreline.

Because he still felt that smile.

Aise'en - The Island of Time

Well, this place has been mostly described by the passage above. There are several caverns at the base of the volcanoes, which give the island its name--through those three caves is a concentrated flow of time. They are heavily guarded by the An'ven there, to prevent people from entering the caves and perishing. The first volcano's cave, which lies in the rainforest section, has the flow of the future running through its hallways; whomever enters will be affected by that flow, experiencing and/or seeing future events in his/her/its life, or possibly aging. The second volcano in the rocky plains area contains the flow of the past; enter the caves and one will reminicse his/her/its parts of that being's entire lifetime, and/or lifetimes before that if that person is a reincarnation. The cave might also make one younger. The third volcano in the center field, with the forests, contains the flow of the present. One cannot enter the cave without his mind solely being dedicated to the 'now' in time, or the onrush of every single instant from every being's perspective int the world constantly running will overload that person's mind. If one can enter that cave and not be overcome, however, he/she/it will be able to see themselves as they have never been able to before.

The afterparty's has no deadline, either. Make the day last forever. XD

First!

....

It just doesn't feel the same.

Oh well. I'm glad that I can finally write more since I did not with my lazy for pretty much half of Round 5 and all of the Final Round. However, it would appear that due the my project for tomorrow, I will not be able to write anything now... not that I would know where to begin.

Sigh.

"Well, another gathering has come and gone, Vader." Jason proclaimed. The two had been making recordings of the island and it's local towns. Vader's form was that of the pink poodle he turned into when in Gothica, though he had been changing forms ever since they had gotten to this island. "This one was a little hectic than the past two though."

"Yeah. You have got to work on your combat skills! I swear, you might have been tougher when you were youn-ugh... Crap." Vader stopped as a familiar blurry haze enveloped him. Jason quickly pointed his digital camera at his canine friend to record his rarely seen transformation power.

The haze turned a deep black, shifting and morphing, reducing itself to a smalller size. When the transformation cloud faded, it was apparent that the chihuahua form that first enabled him to talk had been assumed. "That's starting to get annoying.... And don't you dare ask me to quote Taco Bell commercials this time!"

"Hahahah! Okay, I won't." Jason chuckled back. "I'd rather enjoy the rest of the time my time here. This is a nice way to relax after our week, don't you think?"

"True enough." Vader stated. "So, what do we have to bring back to the Proffesor?"

"Bring back... oh right. Well..." Thinking back on the rush the past few days had been, the young alchemist tried to think of new findings.

And came up with a big blank.

A sweatdrop came across Jason's brow as he started his answer. "You know, come to think of it, I don't remember finding or learning much other than Naruto's illusion technique and a couple GBA's."

"Uh huh." Vader replied. "And how are we supposed to present this to him?"

"Well I guess we could..... Oh shit." Jason's blood ran cold as he thought of what would happen if he went home empty handed.
-----
"So did you find anything?" An eager Sydney Ruffleberg asked.

"Um...well-"

"Any new Materia?"

"'Fraid not."

"Elements?"

"I didn't even see anyone from the Chrono Cross world." Jason admitted.

"Any new magical items?"

"Not really..."

"Did you find anything?!"

"Uh... yeah! I learned a bit of Genjutsu!"

"Genjutsu?" Sydney asked. "Is it okay to give me a demonstation?"

"I guess..." Jason replied, making the proper hand signals. "Here goes! Sexy~ No Jutsu!"

*ONNG!*

"Yeeeeaaaaaarrrghh!" The old man cried out as a huge gush of blood erupted from his nose, propeling him into a nearby wall. As he slid to the ground, he began to grab his chest. "My heart....."

"Ack~! Proffesor!" Jason quickly ran to the ailing inventor, whose eyes had already taken the shape of large X's.

X_X
-----

Jason shook his head, snapping out of the daydream. "C'mon Vader, we gotta hurry! I think I saw a few people from FF7 around here!" And the two ran off in a mad dash to find anything of magical value.
___________________________________________

Jason and Vader are now scrambling for items/weapons/whatever they can find that has magical properties or special powers. This is mainly because I forgot to do trading during the main part of the tournament.

If you'd like to give something to Jason, feel free to do so. If you wanna trade for something(Like say, Call Beads. which allow you to talk to people in other worlds. Good way to keep in touch with them.) State what your offfering, and what you want in a story post, And I'll consider if I'd like to trade or not.

We'll either assume that this post occurs before Curley's, or that spacetime itself had completely bent in half, causing temporal anomalies such as this.

---

Ending Phase (Reflection): A Dream Not Ending

The darkness still engulfed her, but now Mint could hear faint voices talking and laughing in the distance. She could smell something delicious cooking, a smell similar to the barbequed pollywog that she had so enjoyed back home, and she slowly opened her eyes to find herself staring not at the multitude of souls that had filled the Collection, but at a roof made from reeds and seaweed. The young princess sat up and stretched out her arms, wincing as at least five different joints popped audibly.

Taking in her surroundings, she found that she was sitting in a hammock in a small primitive hut. Other hammocks lined the walls, and a fire pit stood as the centrepiece of the hut, with a unidentifiable piece of meat cooking over it on a spit. The spit was being operated by a purple-robed man with light hair who sat with his back to Mint. Amethyst... Two others sat around the fire pit, and Mint recognized them both. I wonder when Jason got himself a bunny... and when Alma stopped being a angelic entity of mass destruction?

Mint jumped out of the hammock, landing on the dirt floor with a soft thud. The three people sitting around the fire looked up at the sound, a smile on all of their faces. "Mint! You're finally awake!" Alma jumped up and ran over to Mint. "I had tried every spell I knew, I got everyone to try something, but you just wouldn't wake up, and I was scared when you wouldn't wake up because it was my fault, I couldn't contain Altima and I could only watch-"

"Alright, alright, Alma! You can calm down now!" Mint placed her hands on Alma's shoulders as the young cleric's relief threatened to cause her tears to flow. "You were possessed, I get that, I've fought possessed people before. It's not your fault, and everything turned out..." The young princess looked up at Jason and Amethyst, who had been watching the scene in silence. "How exactly did everything turn out? All I remember is fighting against Alma and that other angel, and then everything goes black."

"Well, the Archbishop revealed himself to be something called The Void, some shapeless mass of non-existance that wanted to destroy the creator of all our worlds and bring an end to everything," the purple-robed mage replied. "After that, he infused that young maiden Anko with the power of the Void and she disappeared, along with Shizumaru, Testament, Alma... er, Altima, and our hosts."

Alma stepped away from Mint, drying her eyes of the tears they had almost spilt. "Y-yes... Testament fought against the Void Creation, while Shizumaru helped me deal with... with Altima. When Testament dealt the final blow to Anko, she changed back to her normal form and we returned to the Collection, where the others had just finished off a horde of horrible monster that had been born from the poor souls the Archbishop had created." She looked towards Jason. "Jason was the first one who tried to help you. He came and got me when he couldn't wake you up."

"Well, thanks, Jason. I guess I owe you one." Mint walked over to the fire pit and sat down on one of the cushions that surrounded it. Picking up a glass of water, she sighed. "I guess that Angelic spell wasn't all I thought it would be. Last time I listen to voices in my head."

Jason nodded. "Yeah, it seemed a bit weak compared to all the other angel transformations I've seen. Nowhere near the power of Kefka or Sephiroth."

"All the...? You mean you've seen people change into angels before?"

"Oh yeah, it's one of the most common things you see in an RPG. Usually it's the main villain who turns into a huge angel for the final boss fight, but there have been some games where a hero turned into an angel."

"Oh, of course you're going to bring that up." Mint realized that the rabbit sitting next to Jason was now speaking, and after a moment of hesitation, she realized that it was probably his dog, Vader. "Don't mind him; he had a crush on Rinoa for the longest time."

"I-I did not!" Jason cried out as he aimed a kick at Vader, who swiftly hopped out of the way. "I make one comment, one comment, once ever, and you never let it go! Besides, Rinoa's wings were just magical ones, not like Mint's."

"Oh, come on now, Jason, you know as well-"

"W-wait a minute!" Vader's reply was cut off as Mint spoke up. "What do you mean, 'not like Mint's'? My wings were magical as well."

"Umm, Mint..," Alma pointed over Mint's shoulder. "You, uh... you actually still have your wings."

Mint turned her head to the side, and saw for the first time the mass of white feathers that still protruded from her back. With an unconscious thought, the wings opened wider, allowing the young princess to get a full grasp on the situation. She remained silent for a moment, before she finally spoke up.

"Oh, [expletive]."

---

Spell Definition Modified!
Angelic - White/Cosmic - Mint grows angelic wings and gains major boosts in strength and speed, as well as the obvious ability to fly. The effects of this spell are permanent.

Little preliminary post before the REAL action starts. :E

"In one day, the energy flow that gave you the strength needed to ascend to godhood will stabilize, and you will be sent back to your home worlds simultaneously."

Heh. Funny, isn't it? A week ago, I was only too eager for this day to come, and it seemed too far away. Now, it....feels like I don't have nearly enough time. Not even close....I really need so much more than a single day....less, really. There's not a whole lot of time left right now....and I haven't even begun to figure anything out. I need more time....to think.

....Which is ironic, since all I've been doing since I parted from Vincent is think. About him, about the jumbled mess of emotions he manages to stir up, about all the things Chaos said to me. I....can't help but wonder if he could have been right. About some things, anyway. Like Ernest. I....hate to admit it, but....he did run from me. Didn't tell me where he was going, or that he was going, didn't even leave a message with anyone to tell me. Just up and left as if he had no cares in the world. And quite possibly, he doesn't. I know....that he's never let me get as close as I wanted to him, always kept me at arm's length. It hurt, but I always tried to ignore it, kept on trying to get him to let me in. I kept knocking on the door of a cold, dark, empty house. And I'm still outside, despite what I resorted to to get back to him. After we found each other on Expel....things really didn't seem so different from the way they were before. I wonder if they ever would have changed.

....

Why did I just think about our relationship in the past tense?

....

....Tria, what's happened to me? Why....oh god. Chaos....was right. I think my heart and mind ARE betraying me. If they weren't, then I wouldn't have....oh, why am I having these thoughts? Why....do I feel this way? What do I even feel at all? My stomach is churning, and my heart is racing, at the mere thought of seeing Ernest again. Last week I wanted nothing more than to be back with him, and now....I dread seeing him again. I'm not ready at all to go back....I need more time....time to figure out what I feel for him, for Vincent, what I want to do....there are so many decisions I need to make about myself and my life, and not nearly enough time in which to give them the thought and consideration they need. Oh, why did this have to happen NOW? I don't understand anything anymore, it seems.

And yet I also seem to be seeing things more clearly than I did before....or than I let myself before. The message Ernest was trying to send me....it wasn't so different from the ones my parents have transmitted over the years.

"Be a good girl. Walk like this. Talk like that. Don't say those words. Don't drink so much. Wear these clothes. Be a lady. Behave. We'll only love you if you're an obediant, proper little doll who does everything right."

They never said that last one out loud, but they didn't need to. I heard it loud and clear, and it was practically painted on the walls. Not that they'd ever mar their perfect manor like that.

And so in the face of that disheartening and painful message, I ran to Ernest, hoping - needing - the unconditional love my parents had denied me. And I've been chasing him ever since, trying to wring that tender emotion out of his heart. But that's the one part of him he refused to truly give me. Sure, he cares, but....enough? Enough to make me truly happy?

....No. Not nearly enough. I....haven't felt really happy in a long time, I'm loathe to admit. At least, not that I can remember. Who knows? I may have been happy during my time with Vincent, the time that's still a big blur.

....

....Just how....happy....did he make me, though? Chaos hinted at....maybe he was right about that too....I have no way of knowing for sure. Vincent said that he torments because he can, that the things he says may not be true....but if everything else was right, then....oh god, I just don't have any idea what to think anymore....and I don't have enough time in which to get enough of it done....I can't face Ernest like this....what am I supposed to do?

Where....do I go from here?

Hmm, yeah. Probably after Kriz's post and before Curley's.

---

"...What strength you attained here will remain with you when you are sent back..."

That means we...

We'll be merged. Amethyst shall walk our world.

And the prophecy will be fulfilled. One wizard, in command of all the world's magic.

The only one who can defeat the demons...

"Hey, don't let eet burn, man. Eeveen I won't eat eet like that." Vader nipped Amethyst on the ankle lightly, and Amethyst shook his head and began working the spit again.

"We've all got our problems..." He muttered into the flickering flames.

"What was that?" Jason looked over from Mint to Amethyst. The purple-clad mage shrugged.

"I said, we've all got our problems. Mint's got her wings, Alma's the host for an ancient archangel or demon, depending on your definitions, and we've got an appointment with the legions of Hell." He pulled out a small knife and sliced off a sliver of meat, tossing it at Vader. Sticking the knife point-down in the sand, he looked back at Jason. "What about you? I know you've been collecting magic items, but what's the motivation? Some huge catastrophe approaching, and these tournaments offer the only way to acquire mystic strength?"

Jason chuckled. "Nothing that severe. At least, I hope there's no catastrophe coming. These have basically been... well... research missions."

Amethyst laughed. "Research missions... They started as research for me. Now... I suppose I take part simply because they happen. And... They create a lot of destruction in their wake. I guess I'm driven to try and minimize the carnage." A thought struck him. "You still have that Rune Sword, don't you? Have you been practicing with it at all?"

A bead of sweat appeared on Jason's brow as he remembered. "Uh... A little..."

"Not too good yet, eh?" Amethyst smiled wryly. "Don't worry about it. Just keep practicing. Just remember, a sword like that is primarily arm motion, but you can get a little bit of distance or surprise with the right wrist motion." He pulled the knife out of the sand, wiped it on his robe, and cut off another small chunk of meat. He chewed thoughtfully. "Still a bit rare... How about your magic? You're bound to have made some progress there."

Jason scratched his head. "I'm getting better... but I haven't gotten much of anything new this time around." He brightened. "Say... Do you have a spellbook from your world on you? That would be the perfect thing to take back!"

"A... spellbook? That's not typically how we learn magic... It's done through instruction and pattern memorization..." He pulled a card out of his sleeve. "But here, this may help. It's the Arcana Tarot Saber. It should help you learn the simplest Arcane attack spell." He tossed the card to Jason. It showed three crossed blades on a background of dizzying moirè patterns.

Jason's eyes crossed as he stared at the card. "What the..."

"Stare deep into the card... Focus on the swords... Open your mind... Open your mind... Open... your... mind..."

· · ·

Jason shook his head and opened his eyes. "What... What just happened?"

Amethyst poked the meat and chuckled. "An ellipsis."

"A what?"

"Ellipsis. A literary device used to indicate that an amount of time has passed in which nothing too spectacular, or that the author wishes to hide from the viewer, has occurred. Such as a character going to the bathroom, or an uneventful bit of travel. In this case, it was the repetition many times of my previous sentence."

"Oh, that. What was that?"

"Well, that was the way I learned to cast Saber. Typically, such training takes at least a day, but thanks to this telepathy I'm developing, I managed to get it done in a much shorter period."

"How long did it take?"

"Well, the meat's still not done, if that's any indication."

"So... I know this spell now?"

"You know the pattern your mind has to fit into to cast the spell. You'll still need to practice with it, get your mind comfortable with the patterns and motions. It's disturbing at first, but after a while you'll be comforted to reach back and feel the spell sitting there in your mind, always there, always ready." He shuddered for a moment. "It's when these tournaments have cut us off from my spells that's been the hardest on us. It's like opening your bedroom door and suddenly finding nothing there." He sliced off another piece of meat, chewed, and smiled.

"Anyway, hang onto that Arcana Tarot. If you show sufficient skill with Saber, I'll teach you the other basic spells and give you the rest of the Arcanas, so you can learn more." The purple wizard pulled a set of dinner plates out of a pocket. Holding one under the lump of meat, he snapped his fingers and the well-cooked flesh dropped neatly in slices onto the plate.

"In other news, it's food."

---

Whee, probably my longest post in the entire tournament.

Here's my shot at restoring Continuity.

The event's happened in this order:
First post>Krizak's post.>Second post>Amethyst's post

Now, to fill these plotholes...
___________________________________________

"Oh, [expletive]." Mint cursed as she examined her new wings. "What am I supposed to do with these? I've gone from royalty to sideshow freak!"

"Well, maybe you can find a way to enjoy it." Alma suggested, . "I think being able to fly would be really... sugary! Or whatever that word is for cool and amazing."

"I think you mean sugoi, Alma." Jason corrected.

"Oh! Heheheh. Right, how silly of me." The cleric chuckled sheepishly. "Plus there has to be some upsides to flight. Like travel! You move a lot faster in the air! Perhaps you can make deliveries?"

"Oh great. Royalty, sideshow, and now, delivery girl!" The princess scowled. "Though yeah, now that you mention it, I can make up this line that I've been blessed, or I've ascended or something! If I become a religous icon, I can gather support to start an uprising and overthrow my sister!"

"Mint..." Jason tried to cut in. "I.... don't think that's what Alma had in min-"

"Heck, it worked for that Archbishop. It could work for me! I could make it a national effort to take over other countries! The world is at the tips of my feathers! Mwahahahaaa!"

Jason, Alma and Vader sweatdropped.

"Or not." Mint added, seeing the stupored looks on her friends faces. "After this, I've had my fill of religous zealotry."

"Knowing you, you'll look into local religions anyway." Amethyst thought, tending to the meat.

"Say, Jason. Did you really protect me back when I was unconcious?" Mint asked

"Well, I didn't really find you until a few hours ago. Alma was a little mistaken when she said I was the first to help you" Jason admitted. "A man named Kyosuke Kagami had found you back in the Collection. He's the reason you weren't torn apart when the demons arrived. I was wandering the forest when I found the two of you at this hut."

"So where is this Kyosuke? I only see you three."

Vader scowled. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

"He left I'm afraid." Jason explained. "Once I started using heal magic, he probably felt you were going to be okay. I uused some Alchemy to repair you cuts and such, but you wouldn't wake up, so I left Vader to watch you while I looked for help. Luckily Alma was close by. You know the rest."

"I hope these things don't start molting." Mint stated, staring at her wings again. "That sound's completely disgusting! Not to mention that Maya would never let me live it down."

"Was she even listening?!" Jason asked himself. "Well, since your okay and all, I'm going to search the island a bit more. See ya 'round!"

"Hold it!"

"Huh?" Jason turned to see Vader giving him an annoyed look. "What's up?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?" The speedo-clad bunny inquired. Jason thought for a moment, then looked in Mint's general direction.

"...Oh, right! Almost forgot!" The alchemist took a short breath, preparing the request he needed to give to megalomaniacal girl. "Mint, I have a favor I'd like to ask of you."

"Really?...Whatcha need?"

"You see, one of my objectives is to gain different magic and such for study back home. And since you have access to magic via Elements and Focii-"

"I get the picture." Mint cut in. "Royalty, sideshow, delivery, and now teacher. What next? Oh well, he did provide me with that new Element."

"Now, what to give you..." The princess wondered. She walked up to Jason awkwardly, still try to adjust to the new appendages on her back. Placing one hand on Jason's brow, she lowered her head and shut her eyes."Now Jason, close your eyes and concentrate."

"Cover your eyes, miss." Vader ordered to Alma, placing his rabbit ears over his eyes.

"How come? Is something gonna-AAAIIIIEEE! Too bright!" Sheilding her eyes from the surge of white emanating from her two friends, the youngest Beoulve sibling heard what she though was a cry and a loud thud. "What was that?"

"You can see for yourself, now." A familiar voice stated. Opening her eyes, she saw Mint standing where she was before, while Jason was slumped over beside a tree. "I forgot to warn you about the kickback, Jason. No hard feelings right?"

"Hard feelings? You mean like the oak tree I just slammed into?" The fanboy muttered silently, getting back on his feet. In the back of the mind, he felt several new sensations. From a soft warmth to a great, almost burning heat. Concentrating on the two other sources, He felt what he thought was an arrow and a great loop. "So. The Elements White an Red, along with the Focii Normal and Circle. Hah hah... I finally have my own Magic!"

Managing a smile, his direct reply was more polite. "None whatsoever."

"Good." The East Heaven heir replied. "Your mana should increase the more you use the magic I've tought you. Now, you've worked with magics before right?"

"Yeah, draw on the powersource of the magic spell, and focus it into it's desired form through willpower, or things like incantations."

"Sorta, but use the focii I gave you. I AM WARNING YOU NOT TO USE AN ELEMENT WITHOUT ONE!"

"Alright, alright! I understand! Geez!" Jason proclaimed. "Thank's for the Elements and Focii, Mint. But now, I gotta se what else I can find-"

"Hey!"

"What is it now?" Jason asked Vader, who had again reverted to his chihuahua form. "I got some magics from Mint, didn't I?"

"That's not what you're forgeting!" The tiny dog snarled.

"You mean Amethyst?"

"No!"

"Then what?" Jason asked, worrying he was forgetting something vital.

"The MEAT!"

Jason facefaulted.

With his hind leg, Vader pointed toward the burning chunk of animal that Amethyst was roasting. "Come on! When was the last time we had a decent meal?! We've been so busy with Daisetsu's campaign that we haven't stopped to eat but once! And that was back in Mithrik'en, days ago!"

"Oh. Right. Food."A sweatdrop the size of a tennis ball formed on the side of Jason's head as his monotone reply passed his lips. "Guess we're staying a little longer."
_____________________________________________

Jason has gained the Elements Red and White from Mint, as well as the two Focii Normal and Circle.

Elsewhere on the beach, the black clad Gear/newly ascended god wandered, lost in his thoughts.

"The power of a god...bestowed unto ME, of all people! Oh the irony. Yet another irony, in a life defined almost entirely by lesser ironies. A boy who wanted peace turned into a warrior; a warrior who wanted to protect humanity turned into a monster who sought to destroy it. A bloodstained monster turned into a fallen angel's guardian; and now, a dark guardian turned into an uncertain god. And perhaps the richest irony of all...all paths are now open to me, and I have no clue what to do. I could be a destroyer, a protector, or neither..."

As he spoke, his face was set in a faint ghost of a smile, devoid of all but the driest, bitterest humor imaginable. Were a corpse a thousand years dead to somehow smile, it would probably look something like the expression now covering Testament's face.

"So, Testament-sama...what will you do?"

"I just don't know, Zio..."

Testament continued to wander the beach...
---

This is a short post just to let you know I live. Testament is available for interaction if you wish to use him, just try to keep it in character.

"...urg....urk...."

Yuffie staggers off the ship, trying her best not to to throw up. As soon as she reaches the shore, she collapses on the sand.

"Ugh...I hate ships." Yuffie groans. She rolls over on to her back and placed an arm over her eyes and the other over her mid, trying to push the queasy feeling she's having out of her mind. Yuffie used her last Tranquilizer on the ship, and had to spent the rest of the trip on the verge of sharing her last meal with the people around her. Yuffie sighs, "Too bad Cloud isn't around. He probably have some with him."

Occupied with her own problems, Yuffie ignores everyone as they decide to go about the island after listening to Daisetsu. Some time pass as she lay there. Eventually, her stomach settles down and Yuffie feels better. Heaving a sigh of relief, she gets up. After dusting herself off and taking a look around, she goes down a trail going through the forest in the middle. After heading down the path for a while, she comes up to a little village with huts that reminds her a bit of Gongaga. Yuffie smells the scent of cooking food, and sees the group sitting around a fire. When Alma looks up and spots her, she waves at Yuffie to join them. Yuffie waves back and goes over to them.

"Hey guys," greets Yuffie as those around the fire look up to see her coming. She flops down beside Alma and Mint."What's cooking?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it's some kind of beef," Alma answers.

"Venison," says Amethyst. He takes out another plate and with a snap of his fingers, have a couple of slices of meat drop on it. He hands it over to Yuffie, who greedily takes it. She had trouble keeping food down on the boat trip over. Now that she's feeling a lot better, she starts wolfing down the meat slices.

"So what's going to happen now?" Yuffie asks between chews.

"Daisetsu said that we'll be sent back home tomorrow. We're free to go around until then." Alma finishes her meal and gives the plate back to Amethyst.

"Too bad. Things were pretty exciting." Yuffie finishes her slices and asks for more. Amethyst takes her plate, put some more slices on it, and hands it back. Yuffie starts tearing into those. "Didn't find any materia though."

"That reminds me. Yuffie, what kind of materia do you have?" Jason asks, leaning forward.

"Why do you want to know?" Yuffie stops eating to look at him

"I don't suppose you could spare an-"

"NO WAY! I'm not giving you any! Get your own materia! It's mine! ALL MINE!" Yuffie jumps up and starts running away.

"Wait! That's not what what I meant!" Jason calls after her. Yuffie stops to hear what he has to say. "I-I mean, I want to trade for yours. Look, I'll make it worth your while."

He starts rummaging through the PERC for something to offer the materia hunter. Yuffie, seeing that she won't be asked to give up any of her materias, decides to take a look at what he's got. It just might be something that she's would be willing to deal with...

==============================================

Stupid writer's block. Took me a long time to come up with something to write. Bah.

Anyways, Yuffie is hanging on tight to her materias just like the greedy ninja she is. If she gets a good deal out of it, she could maybe part with some low-level Fire, Thunder, and Earth materia. Yuffie also have all sorts of items like Potions, Ethers, Phoenix Downs and status items (except Tranquilizers, she's out), as well as assorted battle items from Smoke Bombs to Magicites if that's what Jason wants.

Cue the past song: Arcana - Battle With Rimsala

When the hell are we going home? I feel like I've been in this shit forever.

Before we go...I need some transcendence in my life. With or without all of you, I'm going to the -caves.-

Bruce traversed the region and came across an An'ven who guarded the cave of the past.

"Let me go in." Such simple words for such an ambitious request.

"...no." The An'ven stood proud, and was not going to be swayed by this scrawny man's words. Bruce wasn't going to be patient today; he grabbed the guard and tossed him using the patented Mr. T Hella Far Throw. Banner walked in, quietly overwhelmed by the accuracy of this cavern being the cave of the past, as it's arid environment was very reminiscent of the New Mexico desert...

***

I can see Rick Jones.

Rick who? ... That kid?

Funny. I can see a test tube.

That's as far as you're gonna get with my past!

Nah, I can see a fight with Kyo and a red-headed dude against and a big shirtless guy.

And later on, Kyo would be captured by NESTS...

And there's our Kyo; a vial of blood.

So my past isn't interesting. Fuck you guys too.

***

Bruce left the cave, feeling just a little more spirited.

Cue the future song: King of Fighters '96 - Esaka

Later that day, Banner did the same thing to the guard of the cave of the future.

***

Foxy, Angel, Kula, and K9999 had the unfortunate task of reporting their latest news to Igniz, CEO of NESTS; that being, their specimen Banner had been whisked away.

"I told you to strap him up!" Angel gave Foxy a raspberry, and then bopped her on the head. K9999, while foaming at the mouth, flung 50 Cent's album at Foxy's face.

"WHAT?! I'm not taking any more of your shit!" Foxy got off of her seat at the reception room for Igniz's appointments. "You know damn well I've worked my ass harder than any of you to get that specimen!"

"She's correct." Little Kula Diamond quietly agreed with the fencer, while sipping on a Capri-Sun. Growing impatient, Angel got off of her seat as well, and began to stretch.

"...and what the hell are you doing now?" Foxy was puzzled.

"I'm just...getting revved up...to Rock Bottom...your ass." Angel was admittedly a fan of Titan Sports' pro wrestling federation.

"...please." Foxy pulled out a small bottle of cactus lotion from her pocket, squeezed some into the palm of her hand, and slapped Angel. "Sit down."

"...I would throw your ass down if it were good for the company. Better be grateful we're co-workers." Angel sat, and looked at K9999, who was surprisingly silent.

"The boss is ready to see you now." The receptionist pushed a button, opening the grand doorway to Igniz's private business room. The doors immediately shut once the party of four entered, and a timer above the CEO's head began to tick down to five minutes.

"You have five minutes," Igniz said.

"Okay. ... We lost the Banner specimen." Foxy took charge.

"...don't bother telling me why. I don't care. You did manage to get a sample of -the Hulk's blood- before that, right?"

"Of course." Foxy proudly pulled out a veil from a suitcase she had brought along.

"Then the objective is complete, and we shouldn't even be making such a fuss that this discussion is necessary." The five minute meter ran immediately down to one. "Your time is now significantly reduced. You can use your remaining minute to praise me for my wisdom, benevolence, and sweet-ass cape."

"Yeah, okay. So...who would win in a fight? Wolverine? Or Kenshin Himura?" Angel asked, with a grin.

"...your minute is up." The doors opened, and the ladies and Tetsuo walked out.

***

Later, the NESTS compound was infiltrated by the King of Fighters participants. Everyone was pissed; the NESTS cartel had cost millions of people their lives, and had destroyed their beloved Southtown. Even the Living Ghost of Geese Howard appeared, looking for answers.

"That was my city. Dead or not, you don't touch my fucking city." The ghost bitch slapped several NESTS guards away, allowing the KOF competitors to storm the headquarters by force.

Eventually, Kyo Kusanagi and his Japan Team made it to Igniz himself.

"Yo, Igniz!" Kyo struck a pose, gave him the finger, which was promptly lit up. "You suck!"

Suddenly, a light appeared in the room; a new figure has entered the battle. He looked like Kyo.

"Hey...are you another clone of mine? Don't get in my way!"

The other Kyo looked at Kusanagi.

"I ain't you bud. My name's...Kyuce."

See? Kyuce is a badass name for me.

It really isn't anything besides an amalgamation of your name and mine.

So? It's totally sweet.

"Alright, Kyuce. Just stand back and let me handle this shit!" Kyo shouted, and advanced towards Igniz.

"If I cannot become -God,- then I will..." Igniz ascended.

"Shaddup!"

***

Angel and K9999 confronted Foxy, with Kula at tow.

"The hell?! You were trying to bring us down from the inside the whole time, huh?!" Angel shoved Foxy, while K9999 used his massive Tetsuo-hand to choke her. "Damn, good idea. I wish I thought of that."

"STOP IT!" Kula interjected, beating away at K9999. "FOXY! FOXY!!!"

"AHHHH!!! DIE, BITCH, DIE!!!" K9999 started to laugh like a madman.

"Alright, I see I'm not needed over here. I'll just lean on the wall or something. Take your time, Four-Nine." Angel let out a sigh, and was immediately met with a fist to the gut by none other than K' himself. K' ran to Kula, and started to beat down K9999 himself.

"Kula! Let me take him! Get your friend out of here!" She obliged, and K' was busy dodging the almost projectile-esque shots of K9999's freakish arm.

Kula knew Foxy wasn't breathing. She embraced her, and cried.

"Foxy..."

Foxy got up.

"...Foxy?"

"It's a damn good thing Four-Nine threw that 50 Cent CD at me. ... Well, you see, 50 cents generally gives you a credit in any fighter. As long as you have quarters, you have game. ... You got that?"

The fighting stopped. The Ks and Angel looked at Foxy, and facevaulted.

***

Bruce left the cave of the future.

So we land right in the middle of NESTS' destruction?

Sweet. But I change my name to Kyuce? That's kind of lame.

***

Cue the present song: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Zelda's Lullaby

Bruce had finally entered the cave of the present.

I heard that we could get mind raped if we aren't careful. Grey, Kyo, Professor, Savage...you gotta stay close to me.

The hell? We're ALWAYS close to you.

Banner walked in, tossing away the guard, and saw the omniverse in a new light; that somewhere out there, something significant was happening. What he was able to see was in another world.

***

Suddenly, the front door of the restaurant opened, letting in a breeze. It was no longer the time for fond chit-chat; now the offensive would begin.

Akuma gave Buletta a cold stare. Before them both were their ordered meals; a plate of pasta, chicken alfredo. They were at the top of their game. They were outfitted in some of the best clothes money could buy. Looking slick, Akuma began the first offensive.

"Bitch...who do you think you are? Stepping up to me: your master...who bears the name Akuma, the most feared of all of the world's fighters?"

Buletta chewed on her alfredo, and even slurped the pasta into her mouth. She grinned.

"And you eat like a child. If I were your man...you would be an embarassment of a pussy."

Buletta calmly sipped her glass of wine.

"Are you done Aku? First of all...I know who I am. I'm your successor; you need a successor because the old Akuma is weak now. He isn't what he used to be." Buletta got off of her seat, and in the softest voice she could muster (painfully, at that), she looked at Akuma. She appeared now as a woman whom a man would dedicate his life to. But Buletta was not looking for romance; she was looking for the power the future held. "The world needs a new Akuma. A new Satsui no Hadou. You got punked by Sagat's crouching fierce punch, and now you're nothing but a corpse of the old you. What you taught me may as well be bunk. You may call me an embarassment of a vagina for slurping alfredo, but...I call you an embarassment of a fighter, to be cast an excrutiating death by a measly poke." Buletta whispered into his ear. "The new Akuma, because the world doesn't need the old one." She quietly went back to her seat. Then, she returned to the naive, easily excitable child she was before. "So...did I *** you or what?"

"...your attacks were crafted well. But you did not *** hard enough; you did not call me a bitch. Because, you know deep down in the bottom of your vile heart...that if you had said the word bitch, my cock would have suffocated you faster than you could say the period at the end of a sentence. No. You did not ***. But you're free to try another day."

"Dammit. I thought I was cool this time too." The master and his pupil ate of their alfredo. The night would not cast upon Akuma today, for his student did not extinguish the burning sun.

***

[i]...what the fuck was that?

I think it was an interesting story.

Hey, I don't understand. ... Fuck it, let's get the hell out of here.

Bruce was satisfied with this adventure. Although his other personalities may have something else to say about that.

EDIT: reposting this...
__________________________________________________


"Let's see what we have here... Magical Drops?"

"Doesn't sound too interesting."

"Bunny Shoes?"

"Why would I want big pink boot's like that?"

"Okay..... How about a Lunatic Ring, Fairy Ring, and Wisdom Ring?"

"Sound's nice, but I have no clue what they're for."

"This... could take a while." Jason thought. Up to now, nothing he had offered was of interest to the ninja before him. "Well, I have a lot of stuff, so did you have anything in mind?"

"Do I have to tell you?" Yuffie replied, grinning. "Materia me, please!"

"Isn't that counter productive?" The alchemist asked himself. Regardless, he reached into his bag, he pulled out four shards. "These are what I have. I got a level three Ice, a level one Time, a level four All, and a level one MP Absorb."

"Ooh! I think we have a deal!" She cheered, pulling out three small orbs from her pouch. "Here's Fire, Lightning and Earth, fresh from Costa Del Sol!" Quickly placing them on the ground, the young shinobi then reached for Jason's shards.

"Fresh from Costa Del Sol? Wait a minute!" As Yuffie's hand enclosed the magic gems, Jason's hand enclosed around her wrist. "What are you trying to pull? These are all at the starting level! And last time I checked, four was worth more than three."

But Yuffie was not about to give up. Calling upon her haggling skills, she began her retort. "But only one of these have attack capabilities. The rest are just status and support materia. You're NOT going to last long if you don't have some straight up power."

"But this Ice is stronger all three of yours combin-."

"Hah! Do you have any idea how many monsters out there are ice resistant? Hundreds! Half of them absorb the Ice element! You'll be dead if you rely on just that!"

"That's not true, and you know it..." Jason rolled his eyes. Knowing she was lying, he remained silent.

"And futhermore, if you honestly want to trade materia, you have to be willing to give some up! Greed will get you nowhere!"

"Looked who's talking." He thought to himself. "I know plenty of attack alchemy, Yuffie, especially fire formulas. And with gifts from Mint and Amethyst earlier, I'd rather go with more variety in my magics. As for giving materia up..." Deciding to tempt fate, he reached into the PERC yet again, and closed his eyes.

"I have at least one Materia I'd be glad to part with." Saying that, he quickly pulled his hand out of the bag, and pressed it against the ground. When he raised it, a round, purple materia sat there in the dirt.

"Oh crap..." Vader almost choked on his venison.

"That's..." Amethyst's eyes widened.

"The Love Materia!" Mint cried out, stepping away from the gem until her back was against a tree.

"The Love Materia?!" Yuffie asked, her smile getting bigger. "How'd you one of those? Shin-ra put a ban on them years ago! The only one that wasn't destroyed was bought by Dio as a collectors item!"

"Let's just call it 'the wonders of frequent interdimensional travel'. And before I forget..." The young man knelt down again and focused on the dreaded orb. "If I draw on it like I do my alchemy ingredients, I should..."

"Close your eyes, Yuffie." Alma, Amethyst, Vader, and Mint said simultaneously. Yuffie complied, slapping one hand over each eye.

"I wonder what the big deal is." She thought. Chancing a look, the ninja cracked her fingers slightly to get a clear view of an painfully bright light. "Ahhh! Okay, that was dumb."

"I see what you mean about this Element, Mint." Jason proclaimed. His mind felt more open now. Lighter, clearer, simply fresher due to the new presence of the Purple Element. It was only temporary though. And it would, like the others, seep into the back of his mind. "By the way, I might be willing to trade some of those other items I showed you for some potions or ether. Oh! Or a materia bangle if you have one to spare!"

"Whatever." Said Yuffie, eyeing the Love Materia still. "As long I get that priceless purple materia!"

"Um, wait! Hold on. You do know what it does, right?" Jason warned.

"Something to do with emotions?" The ninja guessed. "Can't say, Shin-ra keep's knowledge of different materia , so I can't know what it does unless I try it."

"But if you try it..." The alchemist was worried. Attempting use of this materia in battle could be fatal, not to mention embarrasing. "I guess you're gonna need a demonstration. Alma? Do you mind giving me a hand? You too, Vader."

"I guess so." Alma replied

Vader was thinking otherwise. "...Why me?"

. . .

"Alright, so you know what to do?"

"Basically, just keep my eyes on Vader, and pick up the material."

"Materia." Jason corrected. "But you're right. Now, if you'd be so kind."

"Okay... Here goes..." Bending down on one knee, the young cleric placed one hand over the materia. She looked up at a large white wolf, the form of the moment for Vader. Hesitating for a moment, Alma wondered why the others seemed so nervous about this little gemstone. But she had agreed to help, and she was not going to let Jason or Yuffie down.

But she was going to regret it.

The moment she took hold of the Love Materia, it began to shine in her hand with a purple light. The Beoulve sibling gasped for a moment, but immediately looked more at ease as she stared a the large canine in front of her. He was beautiful. The pointy ears, the deep blue eyes, the snow white fur, not to mention the powerful muscles that must have rested underneath it.

"This is what it does, Yuffie." Jason began, gesturing with his hand. "The times when it activates is random, but when it does..."

"Alright, demonstrations over. You can drop the gem now." Vader beckoned to the now blushing girl in front of him. When she began to approach him, he growled a warning. "Don't even think about it!"

"It's okay, Vader." Alma replied in a sly tone. The look on her face was that of the cat that ate the canary. And the cat had set her sights on the dog. Kneeling down to eye level with the canine, she threw her arms around the shapeshifter and said, "I can see that you're a good doggy!"

"This... is messed up..." Yuffie said as she watched Vader try to free himself from the overly amorous Alma. A sweatdrop the size of a tennis ball appearing beside her ear.

"You think this is bad?" Jason asked. "I found out how this thing worked the hard way. There's this robot I absolutely hate back home, but when that thing started glowing in my hand, I asked if he had a 'vibrate function'. I mean that's just.. ugh!" The young man almost gagged at the memory.

Yuffie's jaw dropped. "Oh, Gawd!"

"For the last time, let go!" Vader barked.

"I'm not giving you up, you good little doggy~!!" Alma squealed.

"I meant the gem, damnit!"

"Vader...." She began, her eyes filled filled with mischievous gleam. "Can you be.... a BAD doggy?"

"Oh god, that's disgusting!" Vader's mind screamed, his stomach churning. While he enjoyed having his back scratched by people, the thought of him and a biped together made the dog feel ill. "Think of of that cute collie down the street, think of that cute collie down the street, think of cute collie down street. Nice scent, wagging tail, pale blonde hai- Wait. Alma has the same....damnit! Get her off me~!" Vader's struggle to escape became much more erratic as he tried to squirm out of Alma's grip.

"Alright, I've had enough of this [Expletive]." Mint declared. Taking matters int her own hands, the princess of the East Heaven Kingdom strode up to the mismatched duo and took hold of the hand Alma had the Love Materia in. Prying open the girl's fingers, she quickly snatched the orb from the cleric, freeing her from it's grip. "There. That should... settle..."

"Huh? W-what?" A confused Alma stuttered, breaking out of the trance she was in. She quickly let go of Vader, and almost jumped back onto her feet, her face red from embarrasment rather than obsession. "Mint, was I doing what I think I was doing?.... Uh, Mint?" Her questions gained no answer, as the red-haired mage just stared at her wide eyed, a tinge of red filled her face as well.

"You know, Alma..." Mint purred, taking a step forward. Alma took a step back, fearful of what her friend was thinking. The bewitched woman continued approaching the object of her magic enforced affection with outstretched arms. "It wasn't really Shizumaru I've been pining after all this time. Really, I've been following you... I couldn't resist your cute little-AH!" Her sentence was interrupted as Amethyst grasped Mint's right arm. Kepping his eyes closed, he wrenched the Love Materia out of her hand, letting it fall to the ground.

"Well, that's the Love Materia in a nutshell." Jason said as a very confused Alma and Mint began their apologies. "So, still want it?"

ONE MORE TIME! (This time I was smart ennough to save the edited backup.)

The Comedic Award
A short story by AsylumXKP

Weeks have passed since the ending of Survivor X. The contestants have left, leaving the auditorium empty. The story is done, or so they thought. A strange blue portal appeared from backstage, causing the janitors and crew to run away in fear. They knew that nothing good would come out of an unexplainable swirling portal, they didn’t need to see “The Terminator” to know that. With a forceful sonic boom a small figure was propelled out of the portal. The figure got up and slowly stumbled into the light. That figure was none other than Conker, the red furred squirrel who has been a part of three games, two tournaments, and four award ceremonies. His business here deals with the later. He adjusted his tux’s bow tie and set off to do his mission.

Conker walked about the backstage in curiosity. Normally there would pure unbridled chaos back here, as everyone tries to set up. However, there was nothing more than silence. Wondering what was going on Conker stepped out to the stage and into the desolate auditorium. The seats were unoccupied, the lights were on, the stage was being mopped clean. Here on this stage there were but two actors, the squirrel and the janitor. The props were a mop, a bucket, a podium, and a single microphone.

“Where is everyone?” asked Conker.

“Who? You mean those Survivor X fellers? They’ve been gone for weeks! We’re still preparing for the next one... Dangit all.” The janitor continued mopping.

Conker knew what this meant. By now the comedic award was already presented, without himself present. Due to an odd occurrence Conker had missed the award ceremony. He had but one reply.

“YES! I don’t have to do this fucking crap anymore!” The squirrel king danced about. He moved joyfully to the podium and grabbed the mic. With a few taps he tested the microphone and it was still on.

“WE LOVE YOU SURVIVOR 10! YOU’VE BEEN A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE! THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!” and with that he slammed the microphone back down and went to the backstage. The janitor gave the squirrel an odd look for a second, then went straight back to work.

The squirrel king walked triumphantly back stage looking for the exit. He passed all the crew members and janitors who were still mumbling about “Terminator”. Conker glanced at a stack of flyers for Survivor XI and continued walking. Ahead of him was the exit door, with the sign EXIT in beautiful green light. The doors were still swung open and ahead was a portal. His attention moved from the portal towards a man wearing red clothing and a red plumed hat.

“Do I know you?” asked Conker. The red robed figure looked up at Conker. His face was covered in a scraggly white beard, and his eyes glazed over.

“You’re... Conker? Right? Yeah that’s right, you gave me an award in RT3.” he said with a gruff voice.

“And you’re Ralph Gauge?”

“Red Mage.”

“Right. So what are you doing here?”

“Well after solving the mystery of the Host... and gaining a satisfactory amount of quest XP I might add... That’s it.”

“What’s it?”
“That’s the end of my story.”

“Oh.” Conker stared at his dress shoes. “So how long have you been here?”

“Since RT3.” replied the mage. The squirrel started counting on his fingers. He did the math in his head and came up with an obscene number.

“Damn! That’s awhile!” The two stood there in silence for awhile. Red Mage looked at the ground, Conker trying to count the tiles on the ceiling.

“Why haven’t you left yet?” Conker shot an obvious question.

“Because I can’t.” Red Mage shot an obvious answer.

“What about this portal?” Conker shot an obvious retort.

“I’ve been through there. Trust me, you don’t want to know what’s in there.” Red Mage shot a not too obvious, but obvious enough explanation.

“What’s in there?” Conker shot an obviously next question.

“One word. Speedo.” Red Mage shot an obvious enlightenment.

“Eww.” Conker wanted to shoot himself. Conker reached into his pockets until he pulled out a key ring.

“I’ve got our way out of here then.” He shuffled through the keys until he came upon a small silver painted rectangular device with a button.

“You got your own dimensional travel device?”

“Yup. It’s a senior employee perk.” Conker said no more and activated the device. Red Mage was a bit steamed and bit his upper lip. He was happy enough to be leaving so he gave no second thought. The two jumped into the portal and were transported though time and space. The portal ripped through the cosmos from point A and ended in a near straight line to point B. It was a near straight line due to the fact the Dimensional travel device was on sale for $14.95 at a local flea market at the time of purchase. For a dimensional travel device that travels at a perfect straight line from point A to point B would have set back XKP five extra bucks, and in a strong effort to stay on budget some sacrifices had to be made.

Continuing with our story in progress, the two have finally arrived at their destination. Except that since this is a comedy the portal went from point A and skipped straight to C. There the two travellers found themeselves in a snow covered village with European style buildings.

“Where are we now?” asked Conker. They then noticed a woman running in the distance to meet another woman.

“Looks like... Sweet merciful hit dice! We’re in someone’s intro!”

The two looked on from a distance at the intro.

She rushed forward, and the lantern cast light over her lost friend. Teta sat there, her arms wrapped around her knees and her body resting against the pungent trash bin. Her dress was in disarray, her purple skirt torn from running and the sleeves of her blouse matted and dirty. She turned her head up, her brown hair tangled around a lovely face streaked with tears- and crust. Alma felt hot rage well up in her stomach as Teta turned her dark eyes to her, exposing the bits of pie crust that littered her cheeks. In Ajora's name, how could they have done such a thing...?

"Oh, Teta..." Alma slumped by the other girl, the lantern clattering at her side. She reached out, tenderly touching Teta's cheek. "Teta, you're like ice...come back with me, please!"

"You're as cold as ice! Willing to sacrifice!" sang Conker.

Teta shut her eyes and turned her face away. "...why...why'd you come out here? I wanted to be alone..."

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that, please." Alma tugged her scarf loose, her blonde hair falling to chill the back of her neck. She wrapped it around Teta's shoulders, breathing warm puffs of air on her neck. "You shouldn't be out here...please, Teta, come back with me."

Teta's eyelids squeezed further, and she pressed her hand to her face. "G...go away! Go...aah..." Her voice cracked, and she sniffed, failing to hold back a wheezing sob. "They...they threw food at me, Alma..."

"They obviously need to put more points into acting." said Red Mage.

Alma hugged Teta fiercely, grimacing as her own throat tightened with pain and anger. Teta slumped against her willingly, her weeping muffled in Alma's chest. The wind was sharp and cold over both of them, but the fury in Alma's heart dispelled it all. She was angry. She was angry. Those ‘classmates' of theirs had planned it all. She and Teta had been so looking forward to the graduation dance at Igros Aristocratic School…

All just because her blood isn't the color of their feather hats. She was going to ask Ramza for a dance, and they cut her off...mashed a pie in her face. Called her a dog. Alma grit her teeth and hugged Teta tightly. Those uncaring, mean little fools...

Teta shuddered, sighing into Alma's shirt. "A...Alma, my chest..."

"IS BURNING WITH UNBRIDLED PASSION! TAKE ME NOW!" mocked Conker in a MST3K fashion.

Alma looked down, moving Teta just enough to see her chest. She froze again, finding Teta's collar ripped down to the slope of one breast- and a ragged chip of glass cutting into her skin. Alma glanced in horror at Teta. Her face was pale, her eyes heavy and red, and she winced. "Fell, I...I was running…"

"Oh, Teta..." Alma moved her hand carefully to the cut, tentatively grasping it between her thumb and forefinger. It was not deep, but the cold was clearly not helping. Teta gasped as she took hold of it, her hands wrenching Alma's skirt. Alma did not relent, knowing she had to get it out. She touched a finger along the flesh, finding the outline of the shard in Teta's cold skin. She swallowed, looking back to Teta with a weak smile. "It's okay, Teta...I'll take it out. Be still…"

Teta nodded back, still sniffling. Alma cupped her other hand close to Teta's breast, and slowly grasped the sharp edges of the glass again. She rubbed Teta's chest soothingly, then, with the utmost of caution, pulled out the shard. The torn flesh fell back, bleeding, and Teta jerked, twisting her hands in the cloth of Alma's skirt. "Gngh..."

"WHOA! Are they doing what I think they are doing?" Conker looked closer.

"Shh...it's okay, it's out," Alma whispered, tossing the shard aside. "I'll take care of it. Easy..." She placed her fingers close to the wound, pressing against the flesh where the shard had cut. She bowed her head towards Teta's shoulder, and puckered her lips, blowing softly on the cut. "Per animam meam, adsumate signo tuto uto care, una pretiosa," she whispered. "Through my heart, receive this protective spell to use, precious one..."

"No, it's not." said Red Mage.

"Damn."

“So when can we go back?” asked Red Mage.

“Hold on... This DTD takes a awhile to charge up. And we’re...” Conker paused for effect “...gold. Okay let’s get out of here!”

To be continued.

And now the next installment of the Angt-free story...

The portal swirled with powerful energies, a vortex that leads to infinity. The two travelers were sucked into the portal and sent through time and space. No longer a straight line, they went from point C, skipping points D and E in a gentle curve into point F. Not much was to be missed from point D or E, as one was the dimension of pain and the later home to a population of nymphomaniac Amy Smart clones. Point F was an untouched dimension free of humans or intelligent beings capable of exploiting nature. Breathtaking vistas, wonderful fjords, clean air, towering trees, it was a true paradise. This serene scene takes place at sunset, the sky a rage of reds, oranges, and yellows. Only two portals, each facing each other disturbed this tranquil scene. Out of one portal came the two travelers, and of the other came another strange traveler who was very out of place, much like the other two. The three collided with each other head on as they were ejected through their respectful portals. After a rough landing the three stood at staring each other down in curiosity.

“It’s a lich!” deduced Red Mage.

“Very perceptive, mage.” the lich said coldly. The lich was missing a pair of legs, replaced with an aura of strange magic that keeps him hovering. Clothed only in a long black cloak with purple highlights and some sort of horned ornaments resting above his head, this lich was more than just your average run of the mill lich.

“What’s a lich?” asked Conker.

“A lich is a powerful undead wizard that is very dangerous... Dangerously high on XP and loot that is!” Red Mage though about engaging the lich in combat for XP, but even at his level he wouldn’t stand a chance even with Conker’s help.

“What was that?” asked the lich.

“Nothing!” said Red Mage trying to smile.

“So where’d you come from?” asked Conker, pointing at the portal.

“Trust me, You don’t want to know.”

“What’s in there?” asked Red Mage.

“One word. Speedo.” the three cringed.

“And you where did you hail from?” asked the lich.

“Some cold place.” Conker pointed back with his thumb.

“Cold? Yes, perfect... Oh joy I get to go back home and lead the scourge back to glory once again! I’m so happy!” the lich’s voice changed into something more joyful and whiny. He pushed past the two travelers and into the portal behind them. Once the lich entered both portals closed. The two wondered if the lich was part of a parody to occur later in time.

“And we’re good once again! Third time’s a charm right?” Conker pushed the button on the DTD and they were off once more.

Fun Fact: I had to rewrite this next scene THREE times, because all the exclamation points froze up Works on my laptop!

The portal opened wide sending Conker and Red Mage onto their next destination. From point F the path was criss-crossed, zig-zagged, and looped, skipping past points G-O, giving point P a near miss, and into point Q. When the two travelers exited they found themselves in the backstage of some auditorium. Crews were running back and forth, trying to accomplish their meager tasks and keep the show running. After examining the area the gaze of the travelers focused on a large banner.

“Survivor XXXIV.” they read aloud together. From the stage they heard someone talking to the crowd. The two made their way past the crews to take a peek. Behind a podium under the glow of the spotlights was a teenage boy with a large and odd looking blade. He was giving out a long winded speech filled with drama and clutching an award with both hands.

“That’s the fifth dramatic award he’s won in a row.” said a familiar voice behind the two. The travelers turned and there was Blue and Rogue leaning against a wall. The two mages were passing a bottle of scotch with each other as they talked.

“Long time no see Conker, Red Mage.” said Rogue as he accepted the scotch from Blue.

“Blue? Rogue? How long have you two been here?” asked Red Mage.

“We’ve been left here since Survivor X.” the two said together. Conker crunched the numbers both in mind and with his fingers. Finally the squirrel came upon a grotesque number.

“Damn! That’s awhile!” said Conker.

“Indeed. And a lot has changed since then for the worse.” said Blue. He grabbed the bottle and started gulping down the vile liquid. While he drank Rogue spoke.

“It all started around Survivor XIX. Soon it became full of nothing but fighting, angst, and sex.” Rogue took the bottle.

“In the next tournament fighting was no longer acceptable. And that’s not even the half of it.” Blue took the offered bottle from Rogue.

“It gets worse. Much worse! Look up if you dare at the hell we live in!” Rogue pointed upwards. Frightened, the two reluctantly looked up and at a banner reading “Survivor XXXIV: Only on Yahoo!”

“I think you know what that means!” yelled Rogue evilly. The travelers gazed back on the two mages.

“Let us give you an example...” said Blue.

“Just a little sample...” continued Rogue.

“OF THE HELLISH WRATH WE LIVE IN!” they both chanted at the same time.

Blue: NOW WE AL TALK N CAPS & LTTRS!!!!!
Rogue: lol, r wrting r sux0r!!!!!!
Conker: WTF!!!??!?!?
Red_Mage: AAAAGGGGGHHHH! ALL TEH EXLAMTION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!
Conker: AAAAAAHHHH!!H!!!!!!111!!
Red_Mage: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!1
Conker: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red_Mage: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!1

“Enough!” proclaimed Rogue. “And that is not the end of it!”

“Oh no!” said Blue.

“That teenager with the sword, that angst filled sack of drivel is sponsored by none other than... Dare I say it?”

“Dare!” said Blue.

“AsylumX...K...P!” The words flowed through Rogue’s mouth like venom.

Red Mage and Conker fell on their knees. Their eyes opened up wider than dinner plates, their every nightmare becoming reality. Conker stood up slowly and walked on stage, which was now occupied by Sten from Breath of Fire II accepting the award for best sig.

“You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn yous! Damn yous all to heeeeeeeeeeeeell!” Conker slammed his fists into the ground, sobbing. The audience were stunned by Conker’s performance. Sten walked over to Conker to offer some condolence, placing his hand on Conker’s shoulder.

“Get your stinking paws off of me you damn dirty ape!” Conker got up and was now in a rage.

“Conker, there’s not much we can do. The future has changed, and we can only hope to go home back to our time.”

Conker reached into his pockets to grab the device, and upon pushing the button nothing happened. Frustrated, he pushed it over and over again but to no avail.

And on to part three indicated...

... Here!

“We’re stuck here! We’re fucking stuck here! What’ll we do?” Conker panicked. It was Amethyst who walked onto stage, stumbling about.

“Oh man! When we both drink, and then transform, we get REALLY pissed man!” Amethyst waddled over to Red Mage. “This’ll help.” Amethyst handed Red Mage a hemp bracelet with beads bearing the letters WWSJD.

“WWSJD? Is that S a typo?”

“No no no no, no! No. It’s not JEEBUS! It’s Samurai Jack! What Would Samurai Jack Do!” the two travelers thought about it.

“Why, even if he was stuck in the fucked up future he’d try to get back... and kick ass!” said Conker. The squirrel took a deep breath.

“ANG’STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” Conker shouted. From out of nowhere a strange being appeared. It’s body was a like a giant pure black cape, and it’s face a green Drama mask with eyeballs and flaming eyebrows.

“Ahhh! Conker! And Red Mage! So sad to see you here, with no hope of getting back! Boohoohoo!” the creature mocked.

“It’s go time, bitch.” said Conker.

Red Mage and Conker grabbed the left sides of their shirts, and with a fierce pull the clothes came off revealing two appropriately colored samurai robes. Placing their arms back they pulled out katanas and stared down their opponent. The crowd was silent.

“YOU CAN DO IT! HIC!” yelled the drunken Amethyst. With those words the two samurai leaped into battle, swords slashing apart Ang’stu. Ang’stu did his best to fight, managing to rip into the two samurai with his claws. The fight lasted for a long time, longer than this writer can write without getting carpal tunnel syndrome. Ang’stu was not beaten, and Red Mage and Conker’s robes were heavily damaged.

“You cannot defeat me! Now I’m going to kill you slowly! How do you like them apples?” Ang’stu laughed.

“I think there is only one way we can beat him.“ suggested Conker.

“But how?“

Conker answered by flipping Ang’stu the bird. Ang’stu cringed, then started begging for mercy.

“Red Mage, it’s your MIDDLE finger, not your pinky. Like this.“

“Oh.“ Red Mage followed suit by extending his middle finger at Ang’stu.

“Ahhh! I’m melting! I’m melting! What a world! What a world!” soon the body of Ang’stu melted into a pile of black goo. It’s facemask shattering upon the ground. Both Red Mage and Conker detested that cliche.

“Applesauce, bitch.” said Conker as he buried his sword into the ground.

“We did it, and now those who were under his rule will adore us!” said Red Mage. The crowd stood silent once again.

“They killed the host!” yelled out some knight in the audience, who was sitting at the time next to an orgy involving the characters from the upcoming FFXII-FFXV.

“Kill them!” yelled another random voice in the audience.

“You can do it! Cut his fucking head off!” yelled Amethyst before passing out. As the audience rushed to the stage, Conker and Red Mage ran off, exit stage right.

“We need to get out of here!” screamed Conker.

“Look! A conveniently placed portal!” yelled Red Mage. In front of them were guys unloading a portal from a box marked CONVENIENTLYPLACEDPORTALS.COM. In a mad dash they jumped through the portal. Meanwhile the Al-Sahaf was at the podium.

“There has, or never will be a fight on this stage! Conker and Red Mage are not even in this dimension! Ang’stu still lives! Conker and Red Mage will die in their tanks!”

From point Q they traveled in a pattern that could only be recreated if you overdosed a junkie some heroin, gave him a pen, and some paper. This led into point B.

“Where are we now?” asked Conker.

“Wait for the description.” said Red Mage.

The two weary travellers found themselves on a volcanic island of sorts. They were down by the beach where others were wandering aimlessly.

"That's all the description we get?" said Red Mage.

"Eh. You get used to it."

The following was supposed to be the ending of the story, which was supposed to be written way after the awards were presented. However since I'm back there is no need for it. Though since it's comedy gold...

DVD SPECIAL EDITION: DELETED SCENES

Music: Thunder Cats ending theme

Conker and Red Mage were sitting in the passenger seats of a small bus across each other near the back row. A small group of children were also present, as was the driver who was going at excessive speeds down a highway.

“Well we sure had one heck of an adventure!” said Red Mage.

“You’re right! But the best part of an adventure is getting back home, and doing it safely!” said Conker.

“One form of transportation to get home is the school bus, but can be deadly if you are unsafe!”

“Red Mage is right!” Cheetarah pulled her head from above the seat, sitting right next to Conker. “One thing you should remember is always keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times!” she wiped her lips and hid from view once again.

At this point a kid sitting near the front with his arm stuck out the window felt serious pain once the driver tried to sideswipe a semi-truck.

“That’ll teach that son of a bitch! Stop crying!” he yelled.

“Another thing is that you should always remain seated while the bus is in motion! Most busses do not have seat belts so you’ll have to rely on the seat in front of you to protect you!” said Red Mage. He stared at a kid a few seats ahead of him jumping on the seat. The kid stopped and sat back down quietly.

“That’s the ticket Timmy!” said Conker.

“Fuck you!” said Timmy. Timmy got back up again to perform his dance of defiance on the seat. The bus came to a screeching halt and out went Timmy through the front window.

“Hurry up! We haven’t got all damn day!” yelled the driver as some of the kids walked off the bus. Lion-o walked onto the bus and started talking.

“Always stay safe at the bus stop as well, do not cross the street too close to the bus, or the driver may not see you!” the driver punched the gas and sent Lion-o careening to the back door.

“One more thing to remember is that the driver needs concentration to drive on the road, so do not distract--”

“Shut the fuck up! I’m trying to drive this piece of shit!” Conker was cut off by the driver.

“And that is all there is about bus safety.” Conker whispered. “What’s wrong Red Mage? You look a little glum.”

“I just realized that I didn’t get a single ounce of quest XP for this.”

“Oh Red Mage, you really do suck!” everyone on the bus laughed accept the driver who was yelling for everyone to shut the fuck up.

THE END. ROLL CREDITS.

Music: Big Shot.

Cast (In order of appearance)

CONKER: As himself.
JANITOR: Ralph Mitchum
RED MAGE: As himself.
INTRO WRITER: Renmazuo
LICH: Kel’Thuzad
BLUE: Dareon
ROGUE: Dareon
ANGSTY TEENAGER: Hayden Christensen
MAN WITH WRENCH: Joe Stevens
STEN: Cocoa
AMETHYST: Dareon
ANG’STU: Christopher Walken
RED MAGE’S STUNT DOUBLE: Jet Li
CONKER’S STUNT DOUBLE: Steven Seagal
KNIGHT NEXT TO ORGY: Eric Idle
RANDOM VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: Edward Norton
IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER: As himself
BUS DRIVER: Jonathan Ash
CHEETARAH: Lynne Lipton
TIMMY: Eric Cartman
TIMMY’S STUNT DOUBLE: A sack of potatoes
LION-O: Larry Kenney

Written, directed, produced, camerawork, special effects, best grip, best boy, coffee peon, etc.: AsylumXKP

We would like to thank:
Big Head Games
Ensemble Studios
Shuma-Gorath
Mike’s Hard Lemonade
FARK.COM
Douglas Adams
Curley W (For keeping the Tailgate party alive!)
The word NARF
And people like you! But not him. Or that one guy. Or her.

No animals were harmed in the making of this short story.

This has been a XKP Production. All rights reserved.

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Summary: Conker and Red Mage are wandering about the island, ready to cause chaos, commotion, and present the comedic award to the lucky winner. In case you are not familiar with the two...

Conker: A cartoonish red squirrel with a blue sweater. Has a variety of weaponry from Frying pans, katanas, rocket launchers to dual SMGs. Gets drunk often and swears often.

Red Mage: RM from 8-bit theater. Needs no intro.